This should be easy, right? Just say what you want and leave the rest to instinct and chemistry. Whatever you do, don’t let words get in the way.
Or so he thought.
So what’s the catch? Westerners and Chinese often approach asking someone out (and being asked out) using varying degrees of ambiguity. Of course, we’re talking about the “culturally Western” and “culturally Chinese” male and female traditional roles here, rather than just genetics and passports. Perhaps a little roleplaying can help illustrate the point.
Let’s imagine a conversation here in China between a man and a woman, so far just friends, but each hoping it might become something more. Depending on cultural orientation, their approach and responses when he calls her up are often quite different:
Western man and Western woman
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
M: Want to go for a drink?
W: Sure!
M: Okay, see you at 8:00!
Western man and Chinese woman
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
M: Want to go for a drink?
W: Oh, I’m already at home.
M: Okay, see you next week!
Click.
W: Uh…what just happened? Why didn’t he ask me again?
Chinese man and Chinese woman
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
M: Want to go for a drink?
W: Oh, I’m already at home.
M: It’s still early, let’s go.
W: But it’s kind of cold out there.
M: That’s fine, just wear a big jacket.
W: It’s hard to get a taxi now.
M: I’ll come to pick you up.
W: Okay…I’ll go.
Chinese man and Western woman
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
M: Want to go for a drink?
W: Oh, sorry, I’ve already got plans.
M: It’s still early, let’s go.
W: Love to, but I’ve got plans already.
M: I’ll come pick you up.
W: That’s very kind of you, but as I said, I’ve already got plans.
M: But I really want to see you, it would be good for us to hang out…
W: Excuse me, which part of “I’VE ALREADY GOT PLANS” do you NOT understand?
Silence.
M: Don’t worry, I’ll call you again tomorrow.
Click.
W: Ugh. I’ve either got to change my number or shoot him.
“Words are the source of misunderstandings.”
– Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Le Petit Prince
When it comes to cultural miscommunications, no one is to blame. After all, each party is only communicating in the way he/she knows best. Yet there’s no denying that subtle differences in language can lead to frustrating and highly embarrassing misunderstandings.
Then again, isn’t that the source of some of our best stories and biggest laughs?
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